Manisfestish...

"Ya have to do a little dance... that G-string ain't gonna fill itself..."
The next person who tells me I need to quit contemplating suicide and learn to "sell myself" is going to need a back brace. What am I, a Dorito?

Do you really need to buy 'me' in order to read my writing? I like reading Guy de Maupassant, but that doesn’t mean I want his corpse moldering in my sitting room. And anyway, it's not legal to buy humans anymore (technically I mean -- although I'm pretty sure my student loans aren't going to be paid off anytime soon).

I JUST WANT YOU TO BUY MY BOOKS. My ass, it will remain in my apartment. Unless it's absolutely necessary to go out and make money or stand in line to deal with some senseless bureaucratic regulation which, while I'm not going to be compensated for the time I piss away on it, will come back to haunt me if not slavishly fulfilled.

And it will be necessary.

Huh. Maybe you can own me after all.
Well...

I’m still in my thirties.
I have pretty good taste in perfume.
I bathe.
I spell (correctly).
I wear lipstick almost every time I go out to face you animals.
My upkeep is not very expensive.
And...

I AM WRITING A GODDAMN BLOG.
How's that for cooperative?
It’ll just mean writing three or four fewer novels over the course of my lifetime.
Less time to sleep. Pet the cat. Stare productively at the wall.
But hey... don’t neglect the hype.

YOURS
(I’m typing this NAKED),

--ANN (KATHRYN FRANCIS FINGAL O’FLAHERTY) STERZINGER, ESQ.

Carbondale at night

Carbondale at night
Civil War graves with appropriately hellish backlighting from gas station across the highway

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

The sadness of hands

That a man should have hands, and feet, and all these things that kit him out to be a person, and for them to be so vulnerable, so easily lost... why don't I see more amputees from the war? Are they being hidden? Is the sadness so great we need to obscure what waits for us all?

Every day we're all in danger of having our personhood, our selves, our most treasured things hacked away and left to the crows.

And yet you think there's something heroic about bringing a child here? To help it as best you can?

People who don't exist don't need your help, and I prefer the heroism of a lonely old age and the restraint of my baser instincts.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Back to My Usual: Today's headlines

UNTHINKABLE SUFFERING

THEY WERE CHAINED IN THE BASEMENT

MISSING CRUISE PASSENGERS

DEATHS FROM BANGLADESH FACTORY COLLAPSE TOP 900

TOT MISSING AFTER MOM, TWO OTHERS ARE SLAIN ON FARM

"JUST GIVE ME THE DEATH PENALTY QUICKLY"

WOMAN DIES AFTER CHOKING ON BASEBALL PARK HOT DOG...

AND

Doting mother Alessandra Ambrosio looks good in neon as she carries little Noah on her hip...


 Do you feel the cognitive dissonance yet or are you JUST NOT LISTENING? 

Here's a cheerful song (apologies for the ad):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_PQTFrIa40





Monday, May 6, 2013

A practical thought on something frivolous

I have no idea why, I'm not an evolutionary scientist or a sociologist, but it occurred to me while shopping for mother's day—in the process of which I spied, at a very good price, an object which I fancied a male platonic friend who's on a budget might enjoy offering to his wife—that it's pretty easy for most women to buy another woman a gift she'll like. It's harder for a man to buy a woman he's in love with a gift, and hardest of all (for me anyway) is for a woman to find a gift for a male platonic friend, particularly one that isn't personal enough to cause his partner discomfort.

I'm talking about small gifts, of course; if you have a thousand dollars lying around for each of your friends I suppose you can make all the male ones very, very happy if you buy them whatever expensive piece of [insert hobby] gear is just outside their budgets. But the small, mid-budget pleasant things that women enjoy in life are different from the small things which appeal to men... which is perhaps the reason most men have trouble picking a girly thing out, especially when they're in love with the recipient. They might know their lady better than anyone, but they don't know mother of pearl from a hole in their... well, whatever small stuff it is that dudes appreciate. If anything.

Which led me to wonder. What if instead of trying to buy my platonic male heterosexual friends gifts for themselves for Christmas, I just gave them something nice to give to their girls the next time they have a birthday or whatnot? Give the gift of giving the gift for him! The autism-spectrum monkey in my head thinks this makes perfect sense, and is the most thoughtful thing I can do for my pals. But is this in reality intrusive, or weird, or something I need to explain? Or is it something lots of people should start doing to save each other time, money, worry, and relationship stress? Well... as it stands I think I'm going to go back and buy that thing. If my buddy doesn't give it to his wife, I can sure use it. The best gifts are the ones you envy.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

On Politics and Fiction

Click this thrilling link, wherein my friend Andy Nowicki and I discuss and overview THE TALKATIVE CORPSE, Andy's gruesome and twisted THE HEART KILLER, and the crazy shit that flies through your head when you think about writing fiction:

http://alternativeright.com/blog/2013/3/7/sex-catholicism-and-despair-author-to-author-with-ann-sterzinger

NOTE TO MY LEFTIST/LIBERAL FRIENDS: Yes, the interview is on a web site called Alternative Right. Before you unthinkingly disown me, ask yourself: Well, what has your ass done to help me make even a tiny sliver of humanity aware of my work?

With few exceptions (whom I wholeheartedly thank), most people I know haven't done so much as make time to try one of my books, much less mention them in a publication like i9. (Thanks, Nick!) Publishing a novel is a soul-crushingly hopeless, thankless task these days, and I can hardly afford to turn any interviews down. Especially since this was THE ONLY INTERVIEW I HAVE BEEN OFFERED SO FAR.

MOREOVER, and more to the point, it was a literary conversation. Not a political one. And if you think those two things are the same then you have no soul. And it was a highly satisfying literary conversation at that. Andy is a good writer, and one of the best things in the world is to converse with good writers about writing, even if the good writer in question is horrified by abortion, while I think it should be mandatory (although I find that killing living flesh is always kind of horrible, by the by, to my mind abortion is the lesser of two evils). I don't care what your politics are, as long as you're a good writer and a civilized debate partner. If you can write past your politics and your pretenses, I'd like to read whatever you have to offer.

Writing past their politics is what all good writers do, bar none, by the way. F'rinstance, I just read 1984 for the first time since high school, and although George Orwell is probably one of the most politically-oriented major authors you'll find, what I did NOT notice about him the first time around, in the glory of my callow excitement over what he had to say politically, is the great number of things his text implied about the human condition generally. Our paranoia regarding group norms, our sometimes utterly involuntary ability to comply to them wholeheartedly, the consequences we'll face or (even worse!) anticipate facing for our naked failures*. Orwell is often interpreted as critiquing only one or a handful of ideological systems, but if you make the effort to digest his every word he sheds a grim light on every kit and caboodle.

Note, however, that I did not say you should grunt and strain to omit your politics, either. Thing is, having convictions about life naturally infuses your words with passion. But those particular personal convictions are not a sufficient main subject matter for fiction writing; they're barely food enough for an essay. The province of a fiction writer is all of life, whether all the details he collects for his description fit his overall schema of how life is or should be. And they won't; they can't; worldviews are merely mental models, less precisely predictive in any single instance than quantum physics.

If you try to tailor (read: maim) your writing to express only those parts of life that fit your or your friends' basic ideology, the best-case scenario (and the most common scenario) you can wind up with is that you'll write a crappy book. Not that you necessarily won't find success with it, of course. Everybody likes in-group signaling, probably more than most people like reading, to my great chagrin. So if most of your friends are lefties, you're probably going to buy the likes of Joe Meno to put out on your bookshelves, even if in your heart of hearts his smarmy prose makes you retch. If your friends are cultivated right-wingers you may want to display some Celine, even if you can't read a word of French and the translated versions are dogshit. Whatever pleasure people might try hard to take in reading their own coffee-table books is beside the point.

But I digress. Worst-case scenario: you'll come up with a reality-twisted but skilled, stunning bit of propaganda. Which may very well be effective, but do you really want to be a catalyst for lemmings? I can't say I wouldn't feel a pang of glee if a pack of pregnant women all ran over a cliff because of something they read, but I would certainly be sad if someone who disagreed with me propagandized a pack of the childfree off of Mount Mombie. Fiction may indeed wind up changing society for the better, but only by not trying to do so; any attempts to win an argument through a story can only distort the story's truth, which is best perceived through anything that isn't a monologue. (NOTE: TALKATIVE CORPSE is, I'll admit, a monologue, formally speaking; but my first-person narrator argues with himself pretty regularly.)

The role of fiction, first and foremost, is to bring the author's most honest possible expression of truth as he's lived it to another individual mind; the second purpose, intertwined with the first, is to relieve suffering, however temporarily, for the reader.

This may sound strange, coming from me, as my books tend to be grim if funny. But I know from my own reading that while escapism is indeed grand (my current addiction to the Wheel of Time series attests to that), there's no more profound solace than to find out, in highly textured detail, that others have lived or do live who know exactly how you feel.



*We all condemn each other constantly of thoughtcrime, if only in the depths of our nasty little minds. See also: the slippery frailty of the "self"; the power of pain over love; the many ways we can be forced to betray ourselves; and don't forget our almost inexhaustible and creative reservoirs of cruelty...


Wednesday, April 10, 2013

THE TALKATIVE CORPSE will now converse with you

"Be positive, Ann, be positive! Nobody likes a sorehead! Nobody wants to think about the way the world works! And no fortune-telling! That's psychologically unhealthy... for anyone who even hears you! You can't predict disaster, even if it makes sense! Sell yourself! But don't sell yourself, nobody likes self-promotion! But nobody will notice you if you don't do it. What are you, lazy? You think you're the only person out of seven billion who wants attention? You got to get on the socialtubes, you outdated shit. Only extroverts need say anything, and if you want to say something anyway you had better do a damn good job of acting. The world isn't going to notice you if you just sit back and... hey! Nobody asked you to write a book! So shut up about it!"

Be positive, eh? Well, Mike Browarski did exactly what I wanted for the cover of my new book, freshly minted today (titled THE TALKATIVE CORPSE: A Love Letter, if you hadn't noticed), without my knowing, before he did it, just what exactly it was that I wanted:



That image pretty much says everything about the place and time where the action is set: Chicago at the beginning of the end, the fractured image of the living city shirking under the clear, steady gravestone to which it all answers, if it's lucky enough to get a gravestone at all.

Here's the little fellow's first notice, thanks to Ben Arzate. If you don't give a shit about me, his site is worth reading if you like good book recs you won't likely dig up elsewhere, well written too:

http://dripdropdripdropdripdrop.blogspot.com/2013/04/book-review-talkative-corpse-by-ann.html

No doubt most people would prefer to read something fashionable. But in case you don't mind reading something your next blind date won't be able to discuss, THE TALKATIVE CORPSE is only $4.99 on Kindle (readable from your computer whether you have a Kindle device or not), free for a limited time if you have Amazon Prime... so, yeah, it's not really free, but as always, if you're broke, I can send you a PDF; just do me a favor if you have a blog and give it a mention, love it or hate it. And as always, ASK ME FOR A REVIEW COPY and it will be happily given, whether your blog has ten readers or twenty. (asterzingerz@gmail.com)

Steeling myself for the utter indifference of a world both clogged with morons and obsessed by pre-packaged fame,
Ann

Friday, April 5, 2013

Girl Detectives

I'm still waiting on cover art for my new novel, THE TALKATIVE CORPSE: A LOVE LETTER. But in the meantime I've made my first novel, GIRL DETECTIVES (2008), available as a FREE Kindle lend-out for the next 90 days*:

http://www.amazon.com/Girl-Detectives-ebook/dp/B00C7XF1WA/ref=sr_1_cc_3?s=aps&ie=UTF8&qid=1365207086&sr=1-3-catcorr&keywords=Ann+Sterzinger

It's a comic murder mystery with lots of slapstick and people needling each other. And everyone's a phony, even the corpse. It's loosely based (VERY loosely based; we never killed anyone, honest) on the atmosphere of horseshit, intellectual hijinks, and letting the good times roll that enveloped the Chicago Reader when I worked there as a copy monkey from 2000-2005.

*(Sigh) Any deal you sign with Amazon is a deal with an animani: apparently these Kindle lending copies are only free if you have Amazon Prime. Well, in any case I've priced it at a reasonable, permanent rate of $3.99 for prime-less oi polloi, and if you're really broke or want to write a review, ask me for a PDF gratis. Just don't put out a pirate version or spread it around unless you want me to track you down and mess you up, son.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Finishing up the final text of THE TALKATIVE CORPSE

Hey, I've got my latest hopeless novel finished—but now I have to go through and take out all my humorous footnote asides, because the Kindle platform, as it turns out, doesn't support footnotes. You have to do endnotes instead, which ruins the joke, so screw it, I'm just going to take out the nonessential ones and work the rest into the text. I'm trying to tell myself that the re-edit is forcing me to tighten things up, but I still maintain that sometimes the little asides are some of the best jokes in a piece. (See Arrested Development, Parks and Recreation.)

At any rate. Due out sometime next week, available on Kindle for probably around 5 bucks, THE TALKATIVE CORPSE: A LOVE LETTER will soon await your reading pleasure. If you feel cheated after reading the footnote-free version I'll keep a PDF of the original text on hand; I'm also looking into Smashbooks to see if they're any more footnote-friendly (their end-user interface sucks though, so I'm not holding out much hope).

Also, I'm offering free PDFs of the final text to anyone with a platform, large or small, who offers to give the book a review (preferably thoughtful) thereupon. There's no way to get an audience for a book without reviews, so any word anywhere would be highly appreciated.

Yours,
Ann