In Defense of Beta Females

by Ann Sterzinger

Oh god, the tiresome rants about power relations between males and females. There must be millions at this point.

Now we’re probably going on a million about the dynamics between alpha and beta males as well. But what about alpha females and beta females?

Alpha females: You know, the kind that scream at rallies, dominate all meetings, berate their male partners endlessly, and though they’re chest-puffingly feminist they secretly want to be mothers so they can have a little prisoner.

But their main victims are beta females. Every alpha female has a mousy friend to push around, and then there’s her favorite bullying victim too, particularly at the office where the creature can’t escape. In increasingly matriarchal workplaces around the country, alpha females are the managers and sadists-in-chief. Men in the office traditionally stood up for the alpha bitches’ favorite punching bags to some degree. But with men disempowered, there’s nothing to protect shy women from being predated on endlessly. God help you if you’re good-looking. Or smart, or dating someone, or have anything going for you at all that they might want…

I for one am absolutely through with it. After a lifetime of curling into a ball, saying “Yes, M’am,” and praying for the release of sweet death, I have been used as a human punching balloon by one too many proud bitches.

Beta females: It may go against our nature. It may go against our aesthetics. Hell, it may even go against our principles. But it’s time to stand up and show that buried under all that silky fur, we still have claws and fangs.

Right now we have the element of surprise on our side: They have no idea it’s coming.

Punch an alpha bitch in the face today, hon. Go on, make a fist. Take a kickboxing class. Learn some game theory. It’s the only way to keep them from ravaging the face of world culture like a plague of locusts in Skrillex haircuts.

Scream at a bitch. Learn to manipulate her back. Most of them are extreme narcissists, so flatter them into doing exactly what you want them to do. Don’t be scared: they may shout and insinuate and guilt trip people constantly, but they’re really only morons with overinflated egos.

If that doesn’t work, figure out a way to get them where they live. You know you can do it. You’re probably bookish and thoughtful. And you’ve been watching them from the shadows all your life.

If anyone can save the world from them, it’s us.

Update: Rachel Haywire got her blog back to "normal." But here's the link to a mirror of my tell-all on Matt Forney's blog:

http://mattforney.com/rachel-haywire-scammed-trigger-warnings-donors/